Starting week 14 I was beginning to get used to feeling ill all the time. Since the physical feelings are more of the same, I thought Id concentrate with feelings and frustrations that the illness has brought for this time period. Its emotional and mental issues which contribute as well as the physical with this. Fighting from giving in to the depression I keep getting warned about as part of the illness is one of the most important things to me.
I still have the dizziness, still have no energy and still am not capable of cooking meals or doing housework, but at least now I could log online for half an hour or so when I felt up to it to see what my friends were up to. It would lift my mind for a while and give me something to think about while lying on the sofa. I miss all of my friends and catching up with whats going on. Its one big wish to have this go before the birth so I can get down to Nottingham and see Kelly and Dave or they can come up to see us before the baby arrives as any social outings will be few and far between afterwards.
Its one thing about this thats started making me angry. I feel robbed of a few months which should be so happy. Months which should be spent seeing my friends, sharing the joy of expecting a baby, browsing in shops at pretty baby things, planning for the baby being here, moving things about to start work on a nursery, filling the nursery with the things we need. As it is I don't feel well enough to do any of these things and wonder how on earth we're going to be prepared for a new baby arriving. I feel like I am missing the entire planning stage and it honestly feels like majorly missing out on something. I also miss being able to go out with Darren and do things, just us. Its like being thrown from being 'Just Marrieds' to 'New Parents' with no in between. I hold onto some little bit of hope that I get a few weeks where I can see my friends, go out with Darren and buy a few of the important things we'll need.
The illness of course has contributed nicely to being in a crap financial situation for the baby coming. Losing a full salary and going down to statutory sick pay while needing to buy all sorts of things is wonderful. Thankfully my mum sent us some money which Ive put aside and refuse to touch which will buy some important bits. Money we put aside from wedding presents for a belated honeymoon has had to be spent on bills to subsidise my wage. With the illness, we wouldnt have been able to go on holiday anyway, but it sticks in the throat that the money that should have been for us to enjoy has had to go on practicalities.
Along with the musings of the past few weeks and the frustration Ive been feeling, the sickness followed its usual pattern and I was in for admission number 3 which came 3 weeks after the last admission yet again. 16 weeks exactly this time. This time was much worse. I woke on a Friday morning at 5:30am with horrendous pains in my stomach and belly and started very violently being sick, which continued all morning and led to throwing up a lovely green bile and eventually blood. Darren called out an emergency doctor as I couldnt barely get out of bed and she said I would need to go into hospital again. Sadly this meant the A&E wait again. It was slightly less this time... 3 hours. I couldnt stop from being sick this time so the nurses and doctors in the A&E department were treated to some lovely green bile in one of those cardboard sick bowls. I got whisked to the ward relatively swiftly after that.
This time the stay was the same as first time. 4 days on a drip altogether. Thankfully there were some girls on my ward I could talk to this time and one girls sister even gave me some beautiful hand knitted baby cardigans so the stay wasnt quite as bad as before.
We're now only 3 weeks away from week 20. I dont think I oculd possibly have anything any more crossed!
No comments:
Post a Comment