Friday, 8 April 2011

A passage into motherhood.

So its been a while since I last blogged which was about Isaacs first month. As I type, on 8th April, he is 5 weeks and 5 days old.

This blog though, isn't about an update on Isaacs progress, but more about motherhood, something I never thought I'd experience.

Now I have never been maternal. Until the age of 32 or 33, I never even wanted kids. I don't go gooey over babies and coo at them when they are brought into the office at work. I can appreciate a pretty or handsome baby, but I just don't get that pull in my stomach that most women seem to get. I am however capable of it, as put a little puppy on TV or in front of me and Im a big ball of mush. I want to hold it, smell its head, kiss it... all the things I should have felt about babies.... right?

Well no actually. I worried about this lack of maternal instinct a lot before I got pregnant, and even whilst I was pregnant. I didn't feel excited like most mums. I just longed for pregnancy to be over so the hell I was going through would come to an end. I couldn't imagine or picture him as an actual person. I didn't feel that longing to meet him that most women talk about. I know a couple of other friends I have feel similarly. Some decided not to have kids and some did. What would happen?

Well, the day came. The labour and operation were awful. I didn't get to hold Isaac when he was born as he wasn't breathing properly. I remember feeling worried and concerned about what was wrong. I got all the normal protective feelings and I remember thinking what a handsome baby he was when I finally got to see him. I made sure from that day on he had everything he needed and he was well looked after. Of course I loved him, but I still felt like I didn't react in the way most women do and it kind of worried me. I changed him, fed him, dressed him, took him out. I felt proud of him and my accomplishment in bringing him into this world.

As time has went on, I have grown closer to him and feel an overwhelming protective instinct towards him. I want to make sure he's ok and has everything he needs. I worry ridiculously if he seems unwell or unhappy but wheres that surging feeling women talk about?

At the weekend, I found out. From out of nowhere I was overcome by a wave of emotions like nothing I've ever experienced before. Something as stupid as mothers day messages on TV set me off. I realised PROPERLY for the first time, I was a mum. I also realised how much I loved my little man. I would die for him and couldn't imagine my life without him. I ache inside when I think about how much I love him. I spent all evening eye watering and crying trying to convince Darren there was nothing wrong and I was just hormonal.. I mean how do you explain that 5 weeks after the birth of your baby, you finally have been hit with what most women experience from day 1.

Its an overwhelming feeling and scary that its possible to feel so overcome by these emotions. Its so unlike me. I have been turned into a big bundle of mush by a little guy. He cries and I ache, he smiles and it melts my heart. I just look at him and feel nothing but utter love.

I read a quote that makes so much sense to me the other day:

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."

So true.